It’s Ok to Win.

I’ve been reading to my daughter, Brett, every night I put her to bed. And we’ve both been loving it. Like many parents, Rhiannon and I have been doing bedtime reading since she was born. 

Brett and I pick out books from the library together. (Recently we were reading a selection of five-minute stories, each with a “girl power” theme.) But as we’ve been reading, I’ve noticed something that isn’t sitting well with me. 

Many of the stories have a similar formula. For example, one night we read three stories and in all three stories, the characters tried their best, went through various emotions, and then got second place. Each time the lesson was basically "it's the effort that counts." Or, "it's not whether you win or lose, but how hard you try."

No, really. We read three stories in a row and in all three, the characters try their best, go through various emotions, and then get second place. It became frustratingly predictable to me.

In other words, it’s the effort that counts. 

Now, this is an important lesson, for sure.

But I’m left wondering: at what point do kids get to see that they can actually win? 

I want my daughter to take pride in her efforts, of course. I want her to have a growth mindset and embrace opportunities to learn and grow. I want her to know that I’ll be proud of her efforts, regardless of outcome. And that doing your best will sometimes lead to winning.

But I also want her to know it’s OK to want to win. I want her to know that it’s ok, when you don’t win, to be frustrated. It’s ok to walk away and say, "damn, I really wanted to win." And then congratulate the winner and move on.

I want her to be able to envision (and achieve) victory for herself. 

It got me thinking: are we as a society over-messaging the “try hard” part, and under-estimating the value of striving for a win? 

To be clear, effort, resilience, teamwork, and good sportsmanship are all valuable. I’m not one of those people that thinks it’s wrong to give out participation trophies. I also am totally cool with you if you are - I see both sides of that coin. And ultimately, kids can learn a lot from losing and “losing well.”

Certainly, at Classroom Champions, kids often learn from the athlete mentors that don’t make the Olympic team, or who don’t bring home a medal. These athletes absolutely have a profound, positive impact on the kids who look up to them. 

So I’m not arguing that we stop telling stories about the value of trying hard. 

But I do think that it’s also okay to talk about winning. 

When I was competing in bobsled, you know what motivated me the most? 

(If you know me, you already know the answer to this.) 

I really, really, really, really, really wanted to win. It was a specific and deliberate mindset shift I made away from what I was like in college - when I worked hard because I was afraid to lose. That’s a very different approach.

Every single day when I stepped in the squat rack as a bobsledder, I wasn’t motivated just by the idea of being my best, but by being better. In particular, better than my #1 competitor, Kevin Kuske. Kevin’s one of the greatest push athletes of all time and there’s no one I wanted to beat more. (He was also a very good friend. Since I was the only American who could speak German back then, we got tight.)

Of course, I wanted to win the right way. I had no interest in taking drugs or cutting corners. I didn’t juice, didn’t do anything that wasn’t 100% by the book. 

But oh man, I wanted to win. That was my driving motivation. And because of that driving motivation, I actually got to taste victory. I would want my daughter — and all kids, and adults — to have that same opportunity.

Besides, it’s disingenuous to tell our kids that trying is all that matters. 

Let’s be honest, we don’t just want them to try hard — we want them to be able to achieve their goals. 

We want them to be able to pass the test, get the grade they want, get into their college of choice, and do whatever else they have their sights on, whether it’s winning the science award, making the debate team, or becoming a CEO one day. (There’s a reason that goal setting is part of the Classroom Champions SEL curriculum.)

Of course, not everything's a competition. Sometimes a persistent, inappropriately placed desire to win can be toxic. (If you’re a leader, for example, trying to “win” and be right all the time will actually hold you back from achieving your goals. Marshall Goldsmith’s book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There expresses this well.)

No matter how good you are, you’re not going to win every time. (Believe me, I know that feeling well.)

But winning can be pretty awesome. I think we can have a growth mindset and practice good sportsmanship AND still play to win. 

- Steve