RFN - Less stress, more productivity
Over the past five years of my life I’ve been (consciously or not) coming up with a list of non-negotiables that serve as guardrails for my life. These are practices or systems that I know serve me well; when I follow them they don’t just make me better, they make my life better. And truth be told, they probably make life better for the people around me, too.
Maybe the term “non-negotiables” sounds like I’m being hard on myself. You might think, “Oh, Steve, you have so much self-discipline.” And maybe I am disciplined. But really, many of these are just small and reasonable daily activities (like not snoozing the alarm clock, getting morning sun sans sunglasses, or morning workouts) that add up to a pretty big payoff.
It’s been five years since what I’ve come to think of as the nadir of my depression—the time I found myself at the lowest end of a mental and physical spiral. An underlining theme in my life these past five years has been about making personal choices that draw on the skills and discipline that I used to win the Olympics to not only succeed but also stay away from the spiral.
I deliberately do things that will keep me operating at a high cognitive level, keep me in a position where I can appreciate my wife and children, and nurture important relationships in my life, keep me engaged in my career, and keep me healthy so I can do all this stuff for as long as possible.
To me the edge of the spiral is that place in your brain that can take you down into fear, dread, “freeze mode” or procrastination. The spiral is obsessing over something, like other people’s decisions and actions. You might call it something different, but I think many (most?) of us have the potential to go to a dark place, mentally and emotionally speaking. That is becoming even more clear as instances of depression/mental disorders over the past couple of decades has increased 10% (and 46% among youth) in America and 37% in the UK.
If you’ve ever laid awake in bed at night worrying about something, questioning a decision you made, or re-running a frustrating conversation you had with somebody - you have an idea of what I’m talking about.
A big contributing factor to my depression was rumination. And thus a big factor of staying away from the edge of the spiral had to be dampening that rumination, which was largely fed by procrastination. And procrastinating, unless fully purposeful to serve another need for me, only brings up negative feelings and emotions - which then would feed the rumination and thus fulfill the negative cycle.
Psychology Today has a good piece on Why Depression and Procrastination Are Linked. Interestingly, procrastination has also been shown to be connected to our moods… meaning procrastination can not only cause anxiety/negative emotions, but it can also be caused by negative emotions!
For those keen to learn more about procrastination - but wait, there’s more! The NY Times ran a solid piece on our mood actually driving procrastination in 2019 titled Why You Procrastinate (It Has Nothing to Do With Self-Control). Though I disagree with the title concept that procrastination has nothing to do with self-control, the article presents underlying reasoning for why the RFN concept I’m sharing with you works.
Well, I’m beyond glad I figured out that, for me, moving away from the edge can be a choice, and an active one at that. We can control whether we torture ourselves with negative thoughts and fears, or we can choose an alternative.
Since procrastination has such a large connection to anxiety and depression, setting a goal to eliminate it from our lives will absolutely have positive results for us mentally and physically,
(There are some exceptions to the reasonability of this personal control such as when someone is in the depths of depression. The chemical and hormonal issues that may result from depression can sometimes be too much for “the brain to be the thing that fixes the brain,” and thus medication is supportive in changing that neurochemical cycle.)
Right F’ing Now
So here’s what I do. I use a little tool called RFN. Apologies in advance for the language here, but it stands for Right F&$#ing Now. It works like this:
If I can do something about the thing that concerns me, I do it - RFN. Yep, right f’ing now. That might be as simple as scheduling time on my calendar to deal with the problem later. By setting the concern up for action allows me to put it out of mind for the time being. Importantly, I don’t just write it down in a random app or somewhere I might forget about. I make time for it within my calendar so I know it’s scheduled. Within my Google Calendar, I add notes in the description so that any other thoughts I don’t want to overlook are captured and ready for me to deal with at the appointed time.
Obviously, you can’t call up a colleague at 2:00 in the morning, but you can put time in your schedule the next day to make that phone call or book that meeting. On the other hand, if it’s 2:00 in the afternoon, maybe you should stop procrastinating and make the call. But even if you have simply booked an appointment with yourself to go do the thing, you have taken action. Personally, I find this to be immensely relieving and helps me sleep better at night.
If I can’t do anything about the issue, I drop it - RFN. If it’s outside of your control, why worry about it? Obviously, it can be challenging to train your brain to let go of stuff you can’t control, especially when it’s really worrisome stuff. But it can be improved with practice. I used to let my brain be hijacked every time I checked my email and something went wrong with work. Now, I pause, think to myself, “can I do anything about this?” and if the answer is no, I turn my attention back towards the place I do want it to go.
Here’s an added hack for this: I’ve removed any notification from my phone that doesn’t truly involve me. Gmail, Slack, my calendar? Yes, my phone can jump in during limited hours and tell me what to do. The Washington Post, Twitter/X, the Athletic? F-off, I’ll come visit you on my own time. Stop telling me what you think is important. I have plenty of friends who have gone even further by removing text notifications, too.
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RFN takes practice, especially the recognizing and then letting go of things you can’t control part. But the more you’re able to do it, the more freedom you get. Doing little things like walking past a piece of trash on the floor of your home and not thinking I’ll pick that up later, when I have a sec but rather just f’ing doing it right now can hone this skill so that when the big and important things that need to be not put off appear, you’re ready.
I think what’s most important about this whole practice is that it lends a positive urgency to life. It stops me from letting perceived problems or worries become my status quo. Avoidance only kicks the problem down the line, and it builds anxiety in the meantime. I’ll deal with it “when I have time” is a silent killer.
By dealing with issues or letting them go (which is actually a form of dealing with them) allows me to move forward and make room for better things to occupy my head without panic, with less negativity, and with more pride because I know I’m doing what I can to get better and move things forward.
- Steve
