Sticky notes, and when critical feedback is an act of care

My sister and I have a saying we share: if you’re not telling me what I’m doing wrong, you don’t care.

The fact of the matter is that I moved to Canada to spend every single day with somebody who would tell me what I was doing wrong. 

That person was my coach, Stu. He was very critical and in that sense, very caring. He sacrificed his career (or at the very least his salary) for a while, to see through our shared goal of winning a gold medal at the 2010 Olympics. He is now, and was back then, one of the best coaches in the world. 

Back in 2009 he was working an odd job or two to make ends meet, because he felt he needed to fulfill the promise to myself and a small group of other athletes to be there with us through the Vancouver Games. I’m still grateful for that. (He then headed over to London to coach the UK Athletics track team going into the 2012 London Olympics.)

I never saw Stu’s criticism as anything less than a good thing. Because it was all in service of helping get better, and ultimately, helping me win.

Things work a bit differently outside of the world of sport. When I entered the “real world” as we athletes called it, I tried applying this approach to my life and work. I even wrote a talk called Wake Up Every Day with a Problem. The talk was immensely popular but after a while I stopped giving it, and I changed my opinion on the matter. 

Why? Because focusing ONLY on problems was making me miserable. I stopped enjoying the process of getting better at stuff, and instead I only saw problems everywhere: with myself, with my colleagues, with my family, with the world. Not a fun way to live. 

And guess what? Solving problems isn’t that easy in the real world. In sport when you have a problem, it’s usually pretty “easy” to address it. If the feedback was, “you’re not strong enough,”  I could go lift weights and know I was working to solve the problem. 

Generally, though, life is way more complicated than “do this one thing and start to alleviate your problem.” The issues, and solves, are way more complex!

I also learned (the hard way) that if all you do is call out other people’s mistakes and flaws, people will hate your guts. Most people have a deep-seated feeling in them from their experiences that giving or getting critical feedback on every step is bad. Correcting somebody's every move can be bad. I get that now.

At the same time though, most people DO have stuff they need to improve. And if you’re a leader,  part of the job is giving and receiving feedback. 

I’ve honestly ebbed and flowed between whose responsibility it is to make feedback and constructive criticism a net positive thing. Is it on the provider to give it in a way the receiver can hear it well? Or is it on the receiver to hear it in the way that’s needed, regardless of how it’s delivered or if it hurts their feelings?? Maybe the answer is both.

Meanwhile, here’s one simple tool I use to help myself improve: my sticky notes. 

I have a bunch of sticky notes at my desk and they remind me of what I need to work on. For example, one sticky note says SAY LESS. This is to remind me that I need to shut up more often and listen more. 

I know that those sticky notes aren't terribly concerned about my pride or my ego or how I feel with a capital F about whatever critical feedback they're giving me. They’re just giving me the feedback I need, again and again – every time I look at them.

Though it might seem critical, in a way these sticky notes are an act of caring for myself. They’re there to make me better. And I appreciate that.

- Steve