Results are in: Best & Worst Relationships Skills

In our last newsletter, I invited you to participate in a quick survey about relationship skills based on Harvard researchers release of 80 years worth of data. (If you didn’t see or respond to the survey, it’s still open, here.)

The results are in and whether you participated or not, I think you’ll find the results revealing. Before I share them, here’s a quick recap.

How strong are your relationship skills?

Last issue I shared a Harvard study, 84 years in the making, about happiness. 

TL;DR? — the study showed that relationships play a key role in the longevity of life.

This piece on Inc.com summarized the findings well and it’s what the survey and below results and relationship skills are based on:  An 80-Year Harvard Study Found the Secret to a Happy Life. These 9 Simple Habits Make It Possible.

All this led me to consider my own relationship skills, and which ones I want to get better at. 

It also sparked my curiosity, making me wonder about which relationship skills like-minded people (i.e. readers of this newsletter — including you) want to improve. 

Here’s what the survey showed…

The Podium: Good, Getting Better, Weaker

In the strengths category readers top three picks were Cultivate kindness, Ask questions, and Make time for conversations as their podium; with Be willing to be vulnerable gaining the least votes. In the wanting to develop category, your podium was Be willing to be vulnerable, Express your love, and Learn to apologize; with Make time for conversations gaining the least votes. Finally, in the weaknesses section the podium was Be willing to be vulnerable, Take stock of your relationships, and Nurture casual relationships; while Cultivate kindness was the lowest weakness out there… making sense considering it was the strongest strength!

My “Aha” from your responses

I found it really interesting to see what people leaned into as their strengths and weaknesses. A few of my “evolutions” from being an athlete to non-athlete (i.e. corporate or sport organizations) leadership also bubbled up and I’ll share one of them that caused me an aha moment.

What bubbled up for me was how much I used to focus on my weaknesses as an athlete because, at the end of the day, I was still responsible for much of my performance - at least in testing and making team. My absolute strength was a weakness (relative to the beasts on my team), so I needed to make sure my squat was at least adequate. 

In the business world, there’s a fair amount of emphasis on focusing on our strengths as a leader and delegating or spreading around our weaknesses. No need to spend the amount of time it would take to be an expert at spreadsheets if you can hire someone around you who is already a master. This Forbes article is pretty direct, Why Leaders Should Focus On Strengths, Not Weaknesses.

So, this was a change for me as a leader that I still struggle with since I’m wired to address my weaknesses and try to get better.

But here we’re talking about our lives. There’s no delegating relationships to others. We can’t take “Be willing to be vulnerable” (the highest scoring weakness on our survey) and just delegate vulnerability to our spouse and still get the life credits for it!

And since the internet is just one massive contradiction, here’s another Forbes article that balances the above piece, You Need To Know Your Weaknesses To Boost Your Success.

Excerpt from “You Need to Know Your Weakness to Boost Your Success” on Forbes.com

So for me, your responses really let me lean into the entire spectrum of relationship skills and think of them in ways I can become better at my weaknesses while maintaining or strengthening my strengths - so, thank you everyone!

My top takeaways from this exercise

▶️Everyone has stuff they’re working on

It can be easy for people like us to focus on our weaknesses. That can be a good thing – it helps us get better. But it’s also important to have some perspective and remember that everyone has their own stuff they are working on, too. Even if they aren’t so open about it. (See the next point for a possible reason for this.)

If you’re striving to improve relationship skills (or for that matter, skills of any kind) it might be useful to keep in mind that there are plenty of other people in the trenches with you. 

Here’s a great resource from Psychology Today titled The Best Way to Get Better at Anything. Oddly, reading this newsletter isn’t on the list, but I feel like us all writing to them could change that. ;-) I do love that #1 on their list is Challenge your story about ability! Seems very us, doesn’t it?

▶️Vulnerability is a common challenge

You may have noticed that vulnerability took Gold in the “I am currently weak or weaker at these skills” category. 

It also took Gold in the “I am not as good but getting better” category. 

And it was very bottom of the pack in the “I am already good” category. 

The message is clear: for readers of this newsletter (myself included) vulnerability is not our strongest suit.

Luckily, we recognize that—and clearly, some of us have made strides in getting better at being more vulnerable. (I myself ranked it in the “getting better” category.)

If you are part of the 85% that identified vulnerability as a place for improvement or a weakness, here’s an interesting piece from Pyschology Today that speaks to both non-conscious and conscious vulnerability: How to Be More Vulnerable and Authentic. And here’s a leadership-centric piece from Harvard Business Review that provides five concrete takeaways to focus on: Today’s Leaders Need Vulnerability, Not Bravado.

▶️You’re better than me at some of this stuff…

…And I want to learn from you!!!

In the “I am already good” category, Cultivate Kindness and Ask Questions were at the top. 

When assessing my own skills, I personally ranked these as weaknesses. These also showed up on my most recent 360 as areas I can improve on. 

So, clearly some of you are stronger in some of the areas I am weaker. If you’re one of them, please share your ideas. How can I get better in these areas? I’m all ears. How do you focus on them? And don’t tell yourself - “I’m just good at them, always have been.” If that’s how you feel, think through it a bit and challenge yourself to think about how you’ve deliberately fostered those skills… and then share if you’re willing.

My top questions still lingering

If you’ve got any thoughts about these, whether you responded to the survey or not, I would love to hear from you.

▶️ How have readers gotten good at their strong suits? 

▶️ What are people doing about their “I a getting better at…” skills?

▶️ Are you planning on doing anything about your weakness? Do you see your weak areas affecting your life (relationships, work, family, etc) in any negative ways? How?

Write me back and let me know any of the above or what other observations you’ve made about yourself or others!

- Steve