How to do the things you know you should do (but don’t want to)

Jun 13

Here’s one of my personal “getting better” rules: do the things you don’t like.

Whenever I do things that I find difficult or unpleasant, I almost always find that I am better for it.

In my recent commencement address in Florida, I acknowledged that I don’t like talking about my mental health struggles or the friends I’ve lost. But I know that talking about these things gives me an opportunity to help others, and it helps me grow in the process. If I’m honest, it’s the latter point that motivates me the most.

Another example: For a long time, I didn’t like fundraising. But I ultimately embraced it because it made me better, it’s made my organization better, it’s helped Classroom Champions reach more kids, and I believe it’s ultimately helpful for our donors, too. But I didn’t start out liking it.

I’m also 100% open about the fact that I got into bobsled not because I loved it, or even liked it… but because I saw it as a gateway to what was most important to me: getting to the Olympics.

I want to make this point — that I DON’T LIKE some of the things I do — because I think there’s a myth that holds people back.

Here’s what I liked about bobsled - I Iiked winning. I liked building a career and seeing month over month, year over year progress in myself and the results I was getting from putting in work. I liked having a strict regimen that would lead to improved results. I liked becoming the best in the world at something.

I liked all of those things enough to overcome the fact that I didn’t really love being the egg inside of a giant tube of metal and fiberglass scramble. I didn’t love being bruised and feeling awful 363 days a year. And I certainly didn’t love the concussions. But man, I loved to win.

So, the myth is that you have to like a thing to do a thing.

Here’s an example of how I see this come up in my daily life.

I’ve been getting in better shape lately, and some of my friends have been noticing. They’ll ask me questions about what I’m doing.

One of the things I say is, “well, I get up early to workout in the morning.”

And then they’ll automatically say, “oh, I don’t like to get up early.”

Subtext: getting up early to workout? Not gonna happen.

Popular opinion seems to be that if you don’t like a thing, you can’t do it.

But here’s a secret: you don’t have to like something in order to do it.

You can do things you don’t like. In fact, it’s probably better that way.

I tell my friends: “do you really think that at any point at 5:15 in the morning I feel like I want to get out of bed and exercise?”

Sometimes they admit, “yeah, Steve. I think you do.”

A. Cool, thanks guys. I appreciate that respect.

B. But the truth is, you’re wrong.

Or, more accurately, I like the impact on my personal well-being, my ability to think better, my physique (yeah, I said it), and the long-term health benefits more than I dislike the pain of waking up early, running 5 miles, or anything else I do to punish myself for the above “likes”. I like that for a “one-hour-in of pain” I get a “fourteen-hours-out of goodness” investment of my time. That’s the kind of math that works for me. (On the long-term benefits side, for a great longevity and exercise podcast, check out Dr. Peter Attia’s‎ Exercise, VO2 max, and longevity episode.)

And on the mornings where I’ve scheduled a cold shower for myself, do you think I like standing in the freezing cold water? I really, really don’t. (Feeling the same and not able to conquer your own dislike? Here’s an interesting article from Attitude Magazine on motivating yourself that’s framed around ADHD but applicable for everyone.)

So, how do I get myself to do the things I don’t like?

If I have any kind of “secrets” around motivation and getting myself to do things I don’t like, here they are:

#1: I’ve learned how to overcome Limbic Friction.

Experience has shown me – and the research supports this – that doing things that we don't like is good for us.

One of the reasons for this is something called Limbic Friction, a term coined by Stanford's Dr. Andrew Huberman. Essentially, it means that doing hard things actually makes it easier to do more hard things.

I talked about this a while back in my newsletter We Should Take the Hard Way. There I told a story about training for the World Cup races, and my experiences with a training program called Embrace the Suck. Here’s a quick excerpt:

My Olympic gold medal coach Stu McMillan expertly writes about Limbic Friction here.

“Here’s the concept:
Ever wondered what exactly is happening in the brain and the body when we make the decision to get off the couch and exercise when we really don’t want to? Or when we pick up our laptop and write that report when we really don’t want to? Or when we’re standing at the top of a bobsled track and push 10% harder understanding that the penalty of mistake could be death?
What Dr. Hubmeran’s research teaches us is that if we can repeat the pattern of breaking through the “I don’t want to’s” regularly enough, we can form pathways in our brain and system that makes that hard thing and other hard things easier.
In other words, doing hard things actually makes hard things easier!
Better yet, if we can make hard things easier, it frees us up to get to the next level of hard. It becomes an upward cycle, allowing you to take on bigger challenges with greater ease.
No one who ever accomplished anything did so through the easy way. They made choices and often took the bumpier road knowing it was the only path to reach their ultimate goal.”

This is probably the #1 reason why I drag my butt out of bed in the morning (and why I am usually the first person to bail when hanging out with my buddies in the evening.) Because I know that initial effort will pay off.

#2: I’ve trained myself to be intrinsically motivated.

Seeing the value in the effort itself, rather than some future desired outcome, makes it much easier for us to do the thing.

I know that choosing the hard thing is valuable in and of itself. I know that it will make me better. Right now, not eventually. This is important, as I explained in a previous newsletter.

I believe that life is about, quite literally, the road less traveled… which usually means it’s the harder one.

When I’m working out or taking a cold shower or going to bed early, I’m not imagining some kind of external goal. I just know that I’m making myself better right there, in this moment, by showing up and doing it.

For further reading, here’s a more detailed explanation of the nuances of motivation as explained through a Huberman lens: How David Goggins Keeps Himself Motivated.

And here’s another useful discussion of goal setting and the difference between intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation by Precision Nutrition: The 3 absolute worst health and fitness goals you must avoid.

#3: I learned a long time ago to like getting better at stuff.

I may not like the actual thing I’m doing, but I LOVE getting better. And that is highly motivating. When we’re constantly trying to make ourselves better some pretty magical things happen… like reaching our goals, making those around us better, and getting to do cool shit. Like attracts like.

If you’re reading this, chances are you like getting better at things, too.

And, chances are, you already do hard things. If you run a business, or have kids, or have a job, or are simply surviving as an adult, you are already doing things you don’t like.

So, what about the things you don’t like that you just can’t get yourself to do?

Try a reframe.

Instead of thinking, “well, I don’t like that, so I’m not going to do it.”

Think: “I might not like this, but I DO like that it makes me better.”

Side benefit? Turns out that developing the skill to positively reframe negative situations for ourselves is a key component of lowering the prevalence of anxiety and depression (along with quality goal-persistence and perseverance skills). We use this research often in Classroom Champions. For a good summary, check out this Psychology Today article Perseverance Cultivates Purposefulness and Boosts Resilience: Goal-striving perseverance may fend off depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

#4: I’ve come to understand I don’t have to like it.

I do think it is possible to learn to like things we once thought sucked. (As I did with fundraising.) Difficult things can become less difficult, even enjoyable over time.

But when I see people preventing themselves from doing something because they don’t like it, I think they’re missing a pretty big opportunity.

The relentless effort required in my athletic career taught me that I don’t have to like every step (or any step) of the process. I just have to care enough about it to do it.

Don’t let disliking something stop you from doing it when you think you’ll be better off by doing it.

And who knows? Maybe you won’t hate it so much after all.

- Steve